HiddenText Ltd

>> Press Announcement <<

Here at HiddenText, we have become aware that during the lockdown due to the global pandemic that launching new products and services for companies has been difficult, and finding new buzzwords have been hard to identify. Using our decades of experience, we have used an existing terminology and expanded it to create a grading system for all products and services, which are recognisable to sarcastic consumers as well asthe C-Suite for all products and services.

The Aim

Differentiating your products from others has become the race in the industry. This can be helped by aggressive marketing and being the first to market with new products. However, due to the global pandemic, marketing efforts have stagnated and some companies are now behind the curve.

The Problem

We reached a nirvana point with some marketing terms, e.g.

Next-Gen

What comes after Next-Gen? Next-next generation? At what point does the next generation become the current generation? And so we have a problem. The term Next-Gen is not scalable, and so HiddenText sought out an existing term that would then become scalable, reusable and more importantly, useful.

Our Solution

One marketing term that we believe has a possibility for expansion is:

MILITARY GRADE

This is quite a popular term, not effectively used but, we at HiddenText do recognise that it can be useful. We are proposing, rather sarcastically, that we use a grading system that has an origin story rooted in the term “Military Grade” and use that to create a benchmark for products and services that companies can use to give their customers faith in their services. The proposed scale is as follows:

1. Interplanetary Grade
2. Earth Grade
3. Nation-State Grade
4. Military Grade
5. Local Council Grade
6. Dave Grade

HiddenText will detail in this Announcement the scale and why they are useful terms.

The Details

1. Interplanetary Grade

As we now have a presence on other bodies in our solar system e.g. Mars and the Moon, we need to think about security and the controls required in an interplanetary context. We propose the highest level of this grading system to be Interplanetary to reflect the widespread nature of services and goods.

Example usage: “Docking at Mars-base 4. Next-gen firewall engaged. Understood, Luton, it is Interplanetary Grade, so we’ll be fine.“

2. Earth Grade

Due to the fact that all things are now globally connected through the internet so our services and products likewise, HiddenText recognised the need for a grade that demonstrates the interconnectedness of the global infrastructures.

Please note that at this time we are reserving a future right to other planets and moons, e.g. Uranus Grade.

Example usage: “Preparation to dock. Uranus, are you receiving? Denied? But why? What do you mean, we are not secure enough? This is Pluto grade tech here!“

3. Nation-State Grade

Each day, there is a power play going on across the internet as one Nation-State fights for supremacy over the others. Therefore, our products and solutions need to scale to that demand, hence HiddenText proposes the Nation-State Grade. We expect this to be one of the most popular grades and look forward to seeing this being used at conferences in the coming years. Note, we are still unsure whether this title should be hyphenated.

Example usage: “Hello, Madame President, your daily briefing shows the Nation-State grade surveillance system has recorded a surge in purchases of cardigans in men aged 40 to 45.“

4. Military Grade

This is the current ceiling of products and services, implying that they are so strong that even the military can’t break them. Having met some military people, we actually don’t see any credence to this Grade and, in fact, devalue most products and services.

Example usage: “Comrade Geoff, we have had a kinetic attack at one of our theme parks, and the mad mouse ride is now out of action. Do we have permission to launch our Military-Grade defences?“

5. Local Council Grade

One step down from Military Grade is Local Council. HiddenText believes that this grade may be known by different names depending on the country, e.g in the UK it may alternatively be known as County Council Grade or Luton Grade. As the IT in these environments is so bad, procurement so dire, any products or services that can survive at this grade earn the right to be called Local Council Grade. We spent a long time agonising and researching whether we believed this to be a higher state than Military Grade; however, once we examined the procurement processes of the Military and compared them to Local Councils, the Grade was easier to place.

Example usage: “Bye eck, look at that. If we spend money on this Council Grade IT system, we get a free squishy stress ball, and we can take the budget out of the pot-hole budget, which will annoy Rachael no end.“

6. Dave Grade

The lowest grade is Dave Grade. HiddenText does understand the need for diversity, and we also identify that we have named this in a male tone. This is, of course, an ironic, moronic and sarcastic naming and plays to one of the oldest comedy tropes in IT. We are therefore also identifying that this grade is applicable for legacy systems by naming this Dave Grade. This is the grade where the product or service is probably so basic that it is going to be pretty hard to break, even if it’s been turned off and on while running. The interface will have no graphics and will probably be green text. However, if you did want to intentionally break it, probably clicking a menu option or a radio button will cause a kernel fault, and it will fill the cache logs up, causing the machine to reboot – probably endlessly.

Example usage: “I was in the basement and I heard a noise coming from a beige thing. I thought I’d broken it because I turned it off in a panic, but it turned right back on again. It must be Dave Grade. I didn’t click anything, so it’s still running.“

Conclusion

HiddenText Ltd believes that in this post-COVID, post-lockdown, post-pandemic world that we should share our experiences, but in a way that engages with audiences. One problem that the technology industry, and specifically the cyber industry, has is that we use inaccessible language. Therefore, we believe that by the creation of this grading system, anyone can access the terminology and understand it immediately, as well as understand the placement of where it would live in a grading system.

About HiddenText

HiddenText Ltd is a security consultancy specialising in culture change, education and security awareness and engagement. Having spent decades in the industry, technical and people. consultancy and business, covering a wide variety of roles, the Directors find that they are uniquely positioned to bring their views to a wide audience in an accessible way. We are always open to new ideas and are not limited by industry norms. Please note this Press announcement is not to be taken in a serious manner and was produced for some fun and poking fun at the marketing terms that are used in the cybersecurity industry, and is a replacement for the usual Cyber BS Bingo that we usually run each year.

Should you wish to engage with HiddenText in relation to this Press Announcement, please contact the marketing team at:

Hello@HiddenText.co.uk

www.HiddenText.co.uk

https://www.linkedin.com/company/hiddentext